Officiated by Jonathan Kwan
Welcome friends and family! The ringing of the bell, which you heard at the beginning, is a tradition in the Pearl family to mark important occasions. And what an occasion today is! How incredible it is that we have gathered from all across the country and from different corners of the world to celebrate Mickey and Carter. A possibility that until only recently would have been scarcely imaginable after over a year that has been so indelibly marked by the universal need to breathe and the tragic deprivation of that need for so many whether due to a global pandemic or ever-present racial injustices. I invite us all then to take a moment to appreciate the very fact of us being here in this place today; to look around and acknowledge the presence of those around you—each of you who have played a special role in your own ways in the lives of Carter and Mickey; and to center ourselves on the joy and love surrounding us today by taking a collective breath together—breathing in… and out.
For those who do not know me, I’m JKwan. For whatever reason, out of all their friends and family they could have selected, Mickey and Carter decided to choose the one friend most skeptical of the institution of marriage to officiate their wedding. I suppose if they could get me, out of all people, to be on board with their marital union, then they would know that getting married was in fact the right decision for them.
The development of my friendships with Carter and Mickey coincides in many ways with the arc of their own relationship. Although I knew Mickey ever since the summer of 2014 when we both tried out for and got cut—mistakenly, of course—from the same, now defunct, ultimate team, 7 Express. I became much better friends with her after we became roommates a few years later in the fall of 2017. When we were first looking for an apartment, Mickey told me enigmatically that she was dating one of my teammates on Blueprint but she wouldn’t say who. And just like Seneca, I couldn’t for the life of me guess who it was. I went through, like, half the roster, had already worked my way through all the Amherst boys, and was running out of people I knew on my own team, before she told me it was Carter Wang—she was dating Carter Wang. Hm… I thought. Okay… Okay…
It was just all so unexpected for me. I didn’t know Carter as well back then. I thought of him as kind of a quiet guy—mistakenly, of course. And I knew despite his general quietness, he had a penchant for asking a lot of questions—you know, hypotheticals and that sort. I didn’t really understand at the time what made the two of them work. It was a bit of a puzzle, a mystery.
But as my friendship with them deepened over the years, after we spent all those times hanging out at 14 Butler Place Apt. 79, playing frisbee together, helping them move to their own place (costing me a roommate mind you), playing board games together, sharing meals together, celebrating Rosh Hashanah with the Pearls, playing socially-distanced Carter-curated Zoom trivia, helping them move out of the place I helped them move into, it became clearer and clearer, unmistakably, just how much sense the two of them made together.
To prepare as their officiant, I interviewed Mickey and Carter separately about their relationship. Carter perhaps put the point best when he said, “I cannot imagine a world that doesn’t look close to this one in its direction.” And if you know Carter, you know he is a very imaginative fellow. So, that’s saying a lot. But I too cannot imagine a world in which Carter and Mickey are not together. Carter also remarked, “I’m in a life now that is very different from four years ago: in every measurable way, it is better.”
In a way, the simultaneous unexpectedness and inevitability of Mickey and Carter’s love reflects a larger philosophical puzzle about love. Why do we love the person we love? We often point to different qualities of the person we love as a reason for loving them. Their kindness and openness, how she pushes him to move the relationship forward, how curious he is about the world and about bikes. But it cannot just be those qualities that accounts for our love because after all another person may exemplify those qualities to an even greater extent: a kinder, more open person who loves bikes even more! Is there such a person?
We do not simply love a type of person who has certain sorts of qualities. There is a particularity and specificity to love such that we love this person for their own sake and not only for the qualities they have, which after all might change over time. Because of this, some philosophers think love cannot be justified—it is gratuitous in a way that exceeds reasons. Other philosophers do not think this puzzle about love is a genuine philosophical problem, distinguishing between the object of love (this specific person) and the ground of love (their qualities). We just do love this particular person because of who they are—for their qualities, at least according to this view.
I think love is justifiable but that the puzzle of love remains nonetheless a genuine one. How can that be? My take is that the puzzle of love is part of what constitutes love. When we love someone, part of loving them is figuring out with them over time why exactly it is that we love them. This helps to explain the mystery, the depth, and the ineffability of love. It is why any words I could say to capture the love that Carter and Mickey have for one another must remain inevitably incomplete. We do not identify beforehand what qualities someone has as reasons to love and then go on to love them. To love someone is to continuously discover why you love them. And I am so honored and privileged to have been able to witness the discoveries of their love that Mickey and Carter have found over the years and will continue to find in the years to come.
And now we will hear from two people who hold a near and dear place in Carter and Mickey’s lives. First, Sarah, Carter’s sister, has a reading for us. And then Nadav, Mickey’s brother, has some words to share.
Sarah:
“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.” – Mary Oliver
Nadav:
Today I get to celebrate my sister, Mickey, and her partner, Carter. But I also get to celebrate much more that, because Mickey and Carter are so much more than a sister and (freshly minted) brother-in-law. You are my teammates, friends, and leaders. One of you is even a co-worker. In all of these distinct roles, I have benefited from and cherished your thoughtfulness, support, affection and encouragement.
Anyone who spends time with Carter learns two things very quickly: Carter is talented at pretty much everything, and he is always very modest about it. Carter is the kind of frisbee player that throws a high release flick huck for a point during a tournament, and then apologizes because it wasn’t the right decision. He’s also the kind of teammate that impressed us all at talent shows with his saxophone prowess, and the kind of friend that gave Clara and me a painting of the view from our New York apartment when we recently moved to Boston. In everything he does, Carter is caring, compassionate, and curious, all in his understated way. Carter: I am so fortunate to know you as a friend and a teammate, and now all the more fortunate to have you as family.
Mickey: I could speak for hours about the many roles you have played in my life. Supposedly the oldest sibling has it hardest, making life easier for us younger siblings by carving the path. Well, I took that very literally, even trying to leave just one set of footprints as we walked through life. It started very early when I would wear your tutus (there’s photo evidence), and it kept snowballing from there. You were a competitive swimmer, so I was too. You went to camp Shomria, so I did too. You went to Brandies, and I really had no choice but to do the same. After college, seeing as you spent two years working and studying before attending law school, I figured I would also do that. And then you went to Fordham Law, so naturally I did too, and upon graduating had no choice but to join you at Pearl Cohen—lest I stray from the path you had already trudged.
But now I moved to Boston, and I’ll be starting a new job in a few months. For the first time in a very long time, I’ll be without you at the helm. Who will answer all my questions: how do you register for classes? What’s the vacation policy again? Can you remind me how this judge likes things formatted? You were always the one with the answers. And who will advise me when I’m not sure how to handle a conflict, or calm me down when I’m annoyed about having to reformat a thousand pages because the font wasn’t right? You were always a steady shoulder and a listening ear. I guess what I’m saying is, I’ll miss you. And that I am the person I am because you are the incredible, strong, loving person you are.
Mickey and Carter: today I get to celebrate my sister and brother-in-law, but I know I am uniquely fortunate to celebrate you as not just as family, but as friends, and teammates, and leaders, and mentors.
The only thing left to do is find out if Carter is as good a dancer as I predict he will be—maybe tonight I’ll finally find Carter’s kryptonite.
I love you both, I am so happy for you both, and congratulations!
When I interviewed Mickey and Carter, each of them touched upon many of the same themes: how important family and community are to both of them, how they support each other precisely by pushing and challenging one another, how their paths are both distinct yet interwoven such that life comes with your partner but does not need to come only from your partner, and how excited they both are to continue building their lives together in marriage. Though I talked to them one at a time, it was almost as if they were speaking in the same voice. Almost but not quite. Each of them still had their own take and way of putting things. When I asked Mickey how they were similar and how they were different, she commented, “Carter is more risk-averse and runs scenarios over and over in his head. He is more preoccupied with what-if statements.” When I asked Carter the same question, he said, “I fear the end of the world.”
I also made sure to ask them some more difficult and challenging questions. For example, what was a quality of their partner that really got on their nerves; how did they handle conflict; what challenges did they foresee in their relationship; and how could they be a better partner to each other moving forward? I saved the hardest question for last though. I said to them: Imagine a runaway train barreling down a track with your partner tied down to it. If nothing is done, your partner will certainly die. There is a switch that you can pull to divert the train onto another track. But wait! 10 other people are tied down to this second track and if you pull the switch, 10 other people will certainly die. Would you pull the switch?
Mickey answered immediately, “Yes, I would.” Carter’s answer? “I think I would be so indecisive that I would pull it too late. I mean this is a question about what is globally optimal versus Carter optimal. Could Mickey live with me knowing I had murdered 10 people? I probably would pull the switch if I think about it. Well… plan #1 would be to jump onto the track and rescue Mickey. Why is it a train? Why can’t it be a car? What if the 10 people were Republicans versus what if they were members of my family?”
And yet even here, Mickey and Carter showed how well they knew each other because in a way, they both predicted each other’s answers. Mickey said, “I bet Carter would not pull the switch.” And Carter knew that Mickey certainly would. It turns out that in the end it matters less whether or not your loved one would pull the switch. It matters more that you know what they would do and regardless of whether or not they would pull the switch, you would love them anyway.
And now instead of just hearing from me, it is time that we hear from Carter and Mickey themselves, who have each written down their own affirmations that they would like to share. As decided by the flip of a coin, Carter shall go first and Mickey, next.
Carter:
Mickey– No one here will be surprised to learn that you said “I love you” first. I don’t remember exactly when it happened or where we were, but I know I was conflicted and could see right away your slight hurt when I didn’t respond in kind. True to form, you knew this might happen, and you did it anyway.
I think I was unsure what love meant in this context and at that time, and couldn’t put it into words. And I’m not sure I can now, but I can find traces of it when I look. It’s in the comfort of going to sleep in your arms, and the pleasure of making you smile. In the warmth with which you hug friends and in your eyes when we share a glance.
I’m also not sure how much marriage will change our relationship– and I’m not sure I want much about it to change. I want to continue loving and supporting each other. I want to do the right thing, even when it’s hard. I want to share our lives with our friends and families, the people who make it full. Perhaps most importantly, I want to keep building a life together. I want to make you laugh and forget whatever was bothering you. I want to tell you about my dreams in the morning and talk about our days at night. And I want to hold onto you and be held onto by you. Mickey, without hesitation this time– I love you.
Mickey:
Carter– I bet from the outside our relationship can look a bit lopsided. I’m the organizer, quick to make a decision, the one setting the tone. And sometimes that’s right… but like any successful relationship there’s more to it. A balancing act that elevates us both.
Your curiosity and creativity challenge me to think outside the box. You ask questions that make me reconsider preexisting notions. You encourage me to be less judgmental and more open. You are a dedicated and supportive friend, pushing me to make plans and forge relationships, and I give you lots of credit for the rich community of friends we have created. You calm me down when I’m annoyed and soften me up when I get stubborn. You’re not afraid to poke fun at me or question my opinion– always in a way that is encouraging and supportive.
We met as I was coming out of a dark and uncertain period in my life. Recovering from a car accident, I was still working through facial nerve damage. I felt so insecure and really questioned if I will find a partner or feel confident enough to date again. But you were so unassuming, so interested in getting to know me and sharing moments and experiences together. The layers of doubt shed quickly, and I feel the most myself when I am with you.
I know you are not a person of certainties or absolutes, so I am going to stay away from promises about “forever and ever” or “til death do us part.” I do promise to learn from you and with you. I promise to give back to our friends, community, and planet to be conscious citizens wherever we are. I promise to listen carefully and consider things from your side. I promise to push you, to spend time with you, to encourage you, and create with you. This is a wonderful way to celebrate our relationship and our love, and I am so excited to discover together what the future holds.
Yesterday, Mickey and Carter planted a tree to mark and celebrate this special occasion. A tree symbolizes many things.
Growth: the development that both happens naturally over time and requires nurturing and nourishment.
Resilience: weathering the seasons and cycles of life through its hardships and challenges.
Beauty: the beauty and wonder of life and of love intertwined.
Rootedness: a solid foundation that has already been established from which to continue building as well as a connection to a place and a home to return to.
And if you plant a plum tree whose average lifespan is about 10 to 15 years, then it symbolizes that… in 10 to 15 years you will have the opportunity to renew your commitment to one another by hosting another celebration and planting yet another tree.
One final theme to echo Nadav that a tree represents is its connection and contribution to the community surrounding it and the wider world—the life and the breath that it gives to others. In talking with Carter and Mickey, it always strikes me how much they think of their marriage not simply as a partnership for themselves but in terms of how it will serve others, advance justice whether social or environmental, and better the world and universe at large. As Mickey put it to me, marriage is about the two of you looking outward. The selflessness of your love inspires and challenges me. And I’m sure I’m speaking for us all when I say, that the two of you together have already realized in part your ambitious dreams of bettering the world in that you have made each of the lives of everyone here immeasurably better. We love you.
And as we come to the end of this ceremony, I would like to invite you to walk around, enjoy the view, and share a memory in Mickey and Carter’s guestbook as we prepare the tent for dinner.
And now, if you will do the honor, Mickey, you may kiss the groom!